Loving and Letting Go: Meditations on Love Part (2/n)

Most of human kind, and I, have always tried finding the meaning of "love". In my opinion, it is one of those perennial explorations that can be seen continuing throughout human history, or so I'd like to think.

Love is the water of life.

-Jalal ad-din Rumi

I've read in many books, blogs and all about how love, sometimes, is about letting go. It is one of the most common narratives/motifs that really goes deep into defining the feeling of "love". Often I read allegories about caged birds, plucked flowers and collared dogs — showing us the metaphor of the struggles between the desire to possess and the necessity to let go. I've always felt that I understood what it means, and intellectually speaking I did; I can even be bold and say that emotionally, I understood. As we all must have experienced at some point of time, emotional and intellectual knowledge is of no use if you haven't truly experienced it. The true test comes when faced with the raw, personal experience — a realisation that possession, that innate human desire to hold on to things tightly, is not an abstract concept but a tangible part of me.

White flowers on the side of the road en route uni.

I'm not a special person who's above all petty human beings. In all honesty, confronting this truth about myself, I felt, it revealed a sort of inadequacy in me — but it took me time to realise that neither is this inadequacy, nor a claim to eccentricity.

That feeling and sense of "possession" over what/who I love is embedded deep inside me.

The difficulty of letting go, even when it is the most humane and right thing to do shows the complexity of being a human with emotions. It is a paradox inherent in our nature — knowing what is right, humane, and necessary, yet finding the emotional fortitude to enact it.

It is something that you will see is very central to the Buddhist and Hindu way of life. We find mentions of it in the Shrimadbhagavadgita. In the 4th chapter, 20th shloka, it speaks of people having given up the results of their actions, are always satisfied as they are not dependent on external things. The Shloka is as follows:

ତ୍ୟକ୍ତ୍ଵା କର୍ମଫଲାସଙ୍ଗଂ ନିତ୍ୟତୃପ୍ତୋ ନିରାଶ୍ରୟ: | କର୍ମଣ୍ୟଭିପ୍ରଵୃତ୍ତୋଽପି ନୈଵ କିଞ୍ଚିତ୍କରୋତି ସ: || 20||

This, again, is very beautifully summarised in the following quote that I saw in a book which I read recently (it has become one of my absolute favourites too!):

There is a moment, a cusp, when the sum of gathered experience is worn down by the details of living. We are never so wise as when we live in this moment.

Paul Kalanithi, When Breath Becomes Air

It is in letting somebody decide their path for themselves, free from constraints of our (or anybody's to be honest) expectations, that teaches us the balance between love and letting go. When we don't allow this freedom to the other person, it becomes apparent that what we may not actually be in love with this person. Rather, we are in love with an idea or the potential we see in them- something that we want them to be, not something that they already are. To let somebody decide for themselves about how (and/or/if) they want to be with you, needs wisdom, courage, and what not.

Yes, I am speaking from experience.

Yes, I have failed to give that space when I should have.

You know what, it is really difficult to let somebody that you love slip away. It hurts real bad. At that time, it becomes difficult for you to think. Doesn't it? You let go of all your intelligence; your stupidly selfish heart takes over.

Conditions are the silent architects of our expressions of this sort of love: falling for the potential in someone can inadvertently set up expectations, as we hope they'll align with the image we've crafted in our minds. This vision becomes a template, a picture-perfect which you cherish and look forward to. When reality diverges, disappointment follows.

On one side there was the me, the rational, and intellectual me, which told me to let go of my feelings, and practice detachment, because that's what is logically the best solution to this situation. This logical advice which my brain (and a very good friend) gives, is often met with resistance from my heart, i.e., the emotional side of me where the option of letting go of something that I love dearly is truly a path less travelled by.

Previous (nearly) relationships do offer insights on how one should navigate these waters. But one should also take into account the fact that each connection is unique, and hence would render the past lessons learnt, partially applicable or completely inapplicable.

I would love to reconcile the wisdom of the intellect with the emotional complexity of genuine and unconditional love. One would need to stretch oneself between the tension of attachment and liberation. These words sound like those of some mystical guru who is leading you to the path of liberation. I, honestly, am just speaking from my experience and nothing else. Now, a quote that literally goes against the entire blog, but is very essential, for I think it is very ture:

Advice doesn't help lovers! They're not the kind of mountain stream you can build a dam across. Don't try to figure what those lost inside love will do next!

Jalal-ad-din Rumi, Each Note

If we are not being able to practice detachment, the following words are something that we need to understand. After all, we are, but human beings. All we are entitled to do is want. Or to put it in better words, we as humans are bound by the innate need to want, to desire. We can want a thing but we are not entitled to get the desired result.

That is the essence of humanity:

To have the understanding that we are creatures who are entitled to want but are not guaranteed the fulfillment of those desires.

Wanting somebody to reciprocate our feelings, to behave a certain way, or love us with the same intensity, is a natural want that every human harbours.

We can want for somebody to like us, but we are not entitled to them liking us back.

Here, I'm saying that, by wanting something or expecting something, we're setting ourselves up for disappointment. It is crucial to recognise the boundary between our desires and others' autonomy of thought and emotion. Expecting others to conform to our internalised expectations would lead to nothing but disappointment.

Always remember this one thing. In love, friendship or any sort of relationship, the wisdom lies in acknowledging the distinction between our wants and external realities. Like suppose in a friendship, you would maybe like for a friend to talk to you everyday, but they might be busy: and hence you don't pester them.

I always try to remember this one thing: that you can always want for the other person to behave a certain manner but you cannot expect them to follow what you're thinking in your head. Love, in its truest form, thrives in the space where both individuals in any sort of relationship can express themselves truly wihtout the burden of unrealised expectations.

Life unfolds with its own rhythm and speed, and love follows suit.

One should embrace the fact that our wants may not always align with the outcomes we anticipate is a powerful and humbling realisation.

It liberates us. It frees us from the shackles of disappointment and allows us to navigate the relationship with a newfound sense of acceptance.

Can I hope so? Yes. Can I control it? No.

Elif Shafak, The Forty Rules of Love

When this realisation dawned upon me, I found myself underprepared for the emotional rollercoaster that was to follow. Instead of embracing the beauty of acknowledging the individuality of the other person in my relationships, I fought vehemently for my desires. On a positive note, it shows how passionate I am. Hope, is a word that appeared in English about a thousand years ago. A powerful word.

Coming back to the topic, this is a classic case of knowing better but struggling to apply that knowledge when it truly matters. Life has a way of throwing these curveballs when you least expect it, doesn't it? In the throes of that struggle, I clung to what I wanted from the relationship and the other person, very much blinded by the intensity of my own desires. The journey toward understanding and embracing the autonomy and individuality of the other person became a battle against the current, an internal conflict between what I yearned for and the reality unfolding before me. It's a messy, tangled web of emotions that I am navigating, just like many others.

There is a poem by Naresh Saxena ji which I shall be quoting here (if I find the video later, then that too!):

पुल पार करने से, पुल पार होता है नदी पार नहीं होती नदी पार नहीं होती नदी में धँसे बिना नदी में धँसे बिना पुल का अर्थ भी समझ में नहीं आता नदी में धँसे बिना पुल पार करने से, पुल पार नहीं होता सिर्फ़ लोहा-लंगड़ पार होता है कुछ भी नहीं होता पार नदी में धँसे बिना न पुल पार होता है, न नदी पार होती है।

When somebody reads this and resonates with this, they should always remember that pain is easier to remember than happiness.

It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.

-Chuck Palahniuk

This experience has been a humbling reminder that even when armed with the knowledge of certain truths, the application of that wisdom is an ongoing journey—one marked by stumbles, self-reflection, and the messy beauty of being human. So, here's to the realisations that catch us off guard and the messy, beautiful process of learning to let go and honor the autonomy of those we hold dear. Hence, with the culmination of this piece, I want to internalise a few things. You can desire but cannot expect the desires to play out in the same way we have envisioned. That is life and that's how love works. Life's beauty lies in its unpredictability, and love in its purest form (according to me), is a song wihch has to embrace both, the harmony and dissonance of human emotions. Wrap your head around it and get on with your life.

Oh, how I would have absolutely loved a friend like Lalita! When Radha confesses to Lalita about her feelings towards Krishna, Lalita rebukes her:

ଖରା ସ୍ମରି ଝାଉଁଳିବା ଶ୍ରୀଅଙ୍ଗ ପାଇଲୁ ରେ, ଖମଣିମଣ୍ଡଳକୁ ତୁ କର ବଢାଇଲୁ ରେ kharā smari jhāunḻibā śrīaṅga pāilu re, khamaṇimaṇdaḻaku tu kara badhāilu re

Kabisūrj̄ya Baḻadeba Ratha, Kiśorachandrānanda Champū, “ଖ” ଗୀତ (“Kha” Song)

Translation: With just the thought of the Sun’s rays, your beautiful body withers, and now you’re trying to reach for the Sun’s disk with your bare hands!

Oh, but isn't love like that? You know for a fact that it will burn you down, and yet you lift your hand and reach towards it!